Life has never been balanced for me. It was always intensely focused on what I was doing at the time. Before I had kids I was wilder than the west wind blows. I earned a six figure income, was a loyal friend, loved all kinds of men, and traveled to exotic places. Everything was an adventure, and I had ties to no one, just free to love and experience the world and all it had to offer. At 36 after the death of my parents, I began a fantastic journey. With nothing more than a passport, a supply of cash, and friends all over the world, off I went to travel for 2.5 years. What a life that was. Trekking through the rainforests of Madagascar looking for lemurs one month, scuba diving with sharks in Indonesia the next month, riding my bike across Bhutan another month, windsurfing in Venezuela the next. Life was free, good, and full of surprises at every turn.
Fast forward 10 years. I am now an “older” mother of 18 month twin boys. I married the man of my dreams, and became totally devoted to my kids. There was still not much to balance, because I couldn’t care less about exotic travel, other men, or least of all, a corporate job. I was all about my kids and connecting with them. They gave me the freedom to do what I love most - be goofy at any moment. We traveled to the park and the local beaches and playgroups. I made their food and put them to bed each night. I hugged them when they cried and raged around with them when they were happy, and danced and sang with them. And while every moment was so much more difficult than it ever was in my former life, every moment was SO much richer, so much deeper, so much more joy. It was really overwhelming. I was in love, every day, even more.
Then, the sky fell. I had to go back to work. The reality of living in the paradise that is Marin is that it takes two incomes to support this fabulous lifestyle plus kids. I was barely making everything happen before, and I could not imagine how I was going to add a job to this equation. I was overwhelmed with guilt about leaving my kids in the hands of someone who loved them less than I did. Who would watch out for them, and comfort them, and lead them with joy and openness through their days? And I obsessed about how I was going to get my next project and how much money I needed to earn each month to cover my expenses. I woke up at night with my mind racing about how I was going to get everything done and still have time to love my kids, and guide their emotional and physical development.
I have been working now for 6 months and it is such a delicate balance. There is no way to completely describe how hard it is to figure out what to do and how to spend my time because guilt and financial pressure are like opposing forces. I feel like I am always on one side of the fence – either too much time and energy with my kids, and my work suffers and I stress about finances, or a project that is too demanding and my kids suffer because I spend less time with them. I am constantly overextended, exhausted, and multi-tasked out. With all this juggling and struggling, I drop the ball every now and then, and I get totally, completely stressed out. That is my signal to know it is time to slow time, take things one day at a time, and congratulate myself for doing my best. Then I go find my kids and play with them, even if it is five minutes. Kids are amazing. They are the big picture, and they kick you upside the head and bring you back to earth to what is really important - loving, living, laughing. And that is where I find my balance
